Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
