Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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