I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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