Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
