well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
