Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
