I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
