Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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