I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
