She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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