it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
