i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You pole danced in your parka.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
