Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's blow job season.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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