My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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