This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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