I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
