a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
