I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
