I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize