Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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