i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
