I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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