So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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