The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
