My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
