Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
