What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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