I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
