He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
