So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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