the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
