can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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