Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
