so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Drunk walkin through police station. America
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
