Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize