I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
