just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
should my penis look like a turkey
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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