this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Someone signed my nipple.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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