He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
