Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
