My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i already hear my dad disowning me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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