i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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