remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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