Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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