Betty ford says i'm here all night
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
