Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
