My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize