areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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