Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
