Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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