a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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