my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
