I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
