I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
