Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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