Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
